Saturday, August 24, 2013

Architect undergoing radical transformation, please stand by

Apologies for the lack of posts lately. I've had a very good reason for my relative silence:

I'm burned out.

After working on St. Ermahgerd for over a year, and especially after the last few months on it being nothing but stressballs, I finally had a meltdown at work. Not a screaming and cursing meltdown (I already had three of those in April and two or three in May), but a Skinner-box-learned-helplessness-shaking-and-weeping meltdown. It was bad enough that Howie actually pulled me into a conference room and acknowledged that he had done this to me.  (It wasn't just him, per se; my condition is partially my responsibility but also lays to a great degree at the feet of Bosley and all of Design Associates' management.)

To keep myself employed while working through the burnout, I came up with an alternate project that involves reviewing DA's processes on design projects, and Howie and Bosley were behind it, though I must say I'm not entirely sure they a) understand it and b) are fully going to be behind the results of my research.  Either way, it's keeping me busy and mostly motivated and getting out of bed in the morning...mostly.

I must confess that even with this non-billable project I'm on, my heart speeds up while my stomach sinks when I see either Howie or Bosley in my periphery, especially if they're slowing down or pausing at my desk. Whenever I'm asked a random question about St. Ermahgerd, my reflexive reaction is exasperation and profanity. When I'm asked to work on any other issue that's reasonably required of me as an associate, I sag and sigh and respond with irritated brevity.  And more profanity.

So, posting is going to be irregular for a while as I figure out what my problem is and how to adjust my li'l attitude here. But I also need rest, which is hard for me to a) accept and b) do.  Wish me luck, and thanks for your patience.


Mrs. Gumby said...

Take care and feel better soon!

Dru said...

Totally right there with you. Even with the Process oriented side project.

Solidarity sistah. Don't let the man keep you down.

It's only a job after all, and if its freaking you out (and you know its the job and not something in the periphery) then do what you can to change your situation. Master of your destiny and all that.

At least I hope that's the solution.

Lilylou said...

It might help to find a professional to work through the stress issues, Pixie. It's a lot to try to handle on your own or even with a supportive family member. You've been under terrible stress for awhile.