While shopping with Mom and Miss Kitty

My sister and I took Mom to Lenox Mall in the northern part of Atlanta while I was home for the holidays.  Generally shopping with Mom is a lot of fun, mostly because her commentary is worth the gas to drive anywhere.  That and she's alos pretty good at being a sounding board for one's potential purchases.  After she helped Kitty and me rationalize purchasing a few pairs of shoes, we took Mom where we knew we'd get the best commentary: Neiman Marcus.

This dress was at the entry of NM.  Kitty and I oohed and aahed over it, astounded at the dress' complexity and awesomeness.  Mom, however, was underwhelmed.  "All they did was sew a circle of fabric in each of the seams and bunch it up a little so it would ruffle.  I could make that."  She cleared her sinuses with the sound of seamstressish finality.  Kitty and I looked at each other--this was about to be a blast.

"Really, Mommy?" Kitty asked.  "You could make that?"

"Not that freaking hard, children," Mom said in the kind of voice in which a mom usually says no I'm not going to carry you.

We went a few steps into Neiman's.  "Mom, you really could make a lot of the stuff in here, no lie," I told her.  "I mean, I asked you to make me that wrap dress like a Diane von Furstenburg."

"Like a Who von Whattenburg?" said Mom.

"Like a that," said Kitty, pointing to our left.

Pixie: Shit fire and save matches! Mom! That patterned dress on the left is a DvF wrap dress just like you made me!"

[Pixie shows Mom the price tag, which says $375.]

Mom: [raises eyebrows] Proud of it, aren't they?

Mom started rifling through the DvF rack, flipping garments over and over to see what they were and how they were made.  Kitty and I kept calling her attention to the price tags.  "Mom, $325, $375, $395.  Seriously, you can make this stuff, charge half what they're charging, and still make bank."  At first, Mom kept giving us The Look, the one where she looks over her glasses at us like we're smoking something usually found in Cheech & Chong's carryon luggage.  But after a while, the look in her eyes was one of possibility.  Or the look of someone about to get away with something.  With Mom, you can never be too sure.

   

She nearly spit when she saw the $1,000+ suits and jackets in the Armani miniboutique.

Mom: Look at this!  Look at this crazy-ass back seam!  All they did was put a fish-shaped piece in the back seam.

Pixie: And they want $495 for that skirt you're holding, Mom.

Mom: [quickly hangs it back up] Shit! At that price, do I have to pay to look?  Were we supposed to pay to be in here?

Kitty:  We'll just tell them we're VIP if they come after us for the cover charge.

Kitty: Ooh, this is cute!

Pixie: Mom, what about this dress?

Mom: [flips up drape at neckline] ...yeah, that's not too difficult.  You have to cut it a little crooked to get it to hang right. [looks around nervously] We have to go.

Pixie: Why?

Mom: Your sister just farted.

Kitty and Pixie: BAAHAHAHAAA!

Mom: C'mon, we gotta go! [shuffles towards the front door]