Sunday, August 17, 2008

Rebuilding the reserves

It's been a long-ass, exhausting week, which I hope explains the lack of posts, despite the fact that I have a lot of good post ideas here lately. After the layoffs this week, a humongous, heavy cold front swooped down over the Front Range and covered us in clouds from Thursday evening through even some of today. It rained pretty solidly all Friday and Saturday--Rev. Kit, it felt like stereotypical Seattle here in your former home! The cold, overcast weirdness settled on us and tampered a lot of activity, and frankly, my energy. Even as the weather was barreling towards us on Thursday, I have to wonder if I was feeling it on a subtle, subconscious energy level--I spent the day just inches away from punching someone. I had been trying to get some redlines done for a gal in Interiors, but I spent much of the day handling emergencies for Prudence and Howie. Howie, who rarely bugs me, seemed to have been stricken with an inability to explain clearly just what he wanted me to do for him. I found myself frustrated at every turn and unable to do the one thing that I was trying to mark off my list that day. Even a fun and relaxing lunch with Kellye was hijacked by Wanda inviting herself to join us at a studio lunch table. Plus, Squidwort called to ask what was going on with the as-builts and why everyone was emailing insults back and forth about them "not being coordinated." Finally on Friday, I was left alone most of the day to do a few things for Alex and some redlines for another architect in the office, and Norman and Kellye and I managed to escape to lunch to a little diner across from one of Denver's many medical centers.

It was in the middle of lunch that I realized my left ear had begun ringing, loudly and persistently, and felt a little congested. By the time I got home, my ear was ringing like Quasimodo was performing with Cirque Du Soleil in my head. I collapsed onto my favorite chaise, and Guy, good man that he is, offered to pick up the tab for Chinese delivery. Just the relief I needed after a week that felt a lot harder than it looked on paper.

This weekend has been spent doing a lot of nothing. I curled up on my balcony in a fleece robe and lots of layers to watch the passing storms, only being chased off when the wind switched directions and began blowing into my balcony. Maddy even curled up in my lap and purred until the rain started showering down on her little tortie ears. She shook the raindrops off and scampered indoors, with Mama following suit.

It has occurred to me in the past seven days that there are some changes in store for me, some bigger than others. I mean, nothing like I'm-shaving-my-head-renouncing-my-possessions-and-joining-the-Peace-Corps big, but just changing up some longstanding patterns for me. The biggest challenge for me in the past year or more has been that work has been slow or slowish, and I haven't really been able to own and get into a project the way I usually do, give it the real Pixie energy from which most projects benefit. Not having that kind of fulfillment at work drains my energy everywhere else. It's as if I need a certain amount of demands on my energy in order to even have energy. I realized recently that back when I was fully involved and busy on Wheatlands, I would spring right out of bed, maybe hitting the snooze button no more than twice. For the past almost year, I've been tapping the snooze button for a good twenty minutes, and the early-rising sun of Denver's summers hasn't even helped pry me out of bed.

This weird lack of energy and motivation baffles me--it's very unlike me. To combat it, I've been trying to power through it by trying to take on more stuff, starting the intern seminar series at work, pushing myself more by running farther and faster and lifting more weight in the gym. Ultimately, though, this weekend made it feel like I've been forcing the issue. Even though the summer is supposed to be a time of high energy for humans in general, this one just hasn't been mine. My Achilles tendons ache furiously when I run, I resist climbing into the pool in the morning, and every time I lay down on the weight bench, I nearly go back to sleep. It might just be time to rest, not to be productive. So I haven't this weekend. Just been bumbling around the house in a flannel road, curling up with the cats and hiding under blankets.

I'll have more on this later this week. I haven't figured it all out just yet.

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