Please, anything but this.

We spent the past weekend rushing Maddy to the emergency vet. She refused to eat and had lost another half-pound in a month. The vet said she was running a fever and was probably dehydrated, and given her history over the past 9 months of losing weight and being totally hungry, she wanted to perform an abdominal ultrasound to se what was going on in there. My regular vet offered to do this back in late July when we took her in for the severe weight loss (3 lbs in 8 months), but I guess I talked myself out of it, saying maybe she just really didn't like her new food from the vet's office.

The ultrasound revealed greatly enlarged abdominal lymph nodes, enlarged spleen, and some thickened loops on her intestine, which usually point to gastrointestinal lymphoma. We'll need to do a biopsy on her nodes, spleen, and intestine this week to be sure. The other option is this might be inflammatory bowel disease, but it's looking cancerish so far.

I noes I lost some weights, Mama. Hao abowt some moar treets!

Maddy came home fromt he vet last night with meds for a UTI (evidently, we're not giving her enough cranberry juice), and directions to get her biopsied. I have to go to a site visit three hours away from Denver on Tuesday in a place that might have spotty cell service, so I'm dithering between having my regular vet (who could do the biopsy) call me or call Guy. But simply put, I'm a wreck. My eyes and head and stomach and teeth hurt from all the crying I've done since 5pm yesterday. I can't stop crying when I look at her. I just sob hard, gasping for breath so that now even my throat is sore. I see her and suddenly some dreadful/sad/wistful song pops into my head and the tears come unbidden right on its heels.

[flapflapflapflap of ears while shaking head] Ehn! The vet hospittle wuz lowd! Glad to be hoam!

Granted we don't have the actual diagnosis of cancer vs. not cancer. The vet did say a couple of times "if it is cancer...", so on the one hand I suppose I'm jumping the gun with all the weeping and missing Maddy already.

*sigh* They shaved mai tummeh, my frunt rite foreleg, and a spot on mai nek. I needz a treet foar teh payn.

But I somehow can't help it. I'm not ready to let her go. Not at a spritely 10 years old, not when she's always been Miss In-Your-Face-For-Wuv-and-Treats. The house was so empty without her here Saturday night. But she sat on my lap last night out on the porch and snuggled while I attempted first to read and then to cry without annoying the whole neighborhood. I'm inconsolable, but I still want to be consoled. Guy isn't terribly practiced at this, but he's gettnig better. But I just can't stop crying when I think about letting her go over the Rainbow Bridge off to see Teddy, Dee-Dee, and Lewis before her.

Luk, if yr nto gonna mayk wif teh treets, i mus tayk matrz int2 mai oan pawz.

So, Maddy's at home, doodling around like usual for the most part. She walks a little funny, maybe the ultrasound, maybe from the UTI, but overall she seems okay. Her runny squirts reek to high heaven though, so everytime she uses the can, we have to scoop it (and sometimes wipe/mop it--she misses a little, but that's par for the course with her).

I'll go see Papa in teh othr room, kthxbai. He alwayz haz treetz!!1!!!

I guess for now we have the biopsy done ASAP and go from there. Meanwhile, it's wet food and treats and medicine for the next while. And as for this morning, I think Maddy and I will go sit on the porch and read the paper with some coffee and enjoy the nice Labor Day morning that's coming on in the Mile High Cit-tay. While I'm torn up to no end over this, Maddy just came into the computer room to remind me that there's more to life than blogging and crying and feeling sorry. As I was recently reminded, the only reason to feel sorry for a cat is that it has to use its tongue as toilet paper.

Kthxbai.