The Gnostic Gospels: The Book of Closet, Chapter 4

1  And Pixie came home from work, and did find that Mom had finished the closet.
2  And Mom spake unto Pixie and saith, "Lo, but I have put this entire goddamned thing up on the wall,
3  And thou hast shelves and rods at various heights, for thy various lengths and types of garments,
4  So thou will not have to rend thy garments on the floor."
5  And Pixie saith: "Verily, Mom, thy rod and thy shelves comfort me.
6  And thou look stylish in thy bunny suit, fit for painting as well as scrubbing up for surgery."
7  And Mom smote Pixie across the butt.



8  And it came to pass that on the next day, Mom had put every single garment on Pixie's back into her closet.
9  And Pixie was a little embarrassed, for she had meant to donate some of these garments to Goodwill but had not gotten around to it.
10 And Mom did point and saith unto Pixie, "See here, for thy clothes are organized by type and color, and thy shoes are stacked neatly and easy to see."

 11 "See, thy shorter dresses hang under a shelf for thy hats and boots and various accessories, and thy long dresses do hang high in the back."
12 And Pixie did melt, for Mom had even arranged them by color and material.

13 And Mom saith, "See, thy jackets and shirts hang above thy skirts and pants, and thy pants do not touch the floor,

14 And kittehs may not hide beneath them and furr with abandon upon them."
15 And Pixie did grin, for kittehs do like to hide in the closet and furr upon that which is Mama's.




16 Mom pointed to the back of the closet, where the canvas bags did hang, and Mom did show Pixie how her shoes and purses fit so nicely into the canvas bags,
17 And Pixie did nearly pee herself with joy, that the closet was so organized and clean and easy to see.
18 And Mom wiped her brow and rended her painting jumpsuit on the floor and did insist upon a glass of Riesling and some pasta, for she had more than earned it.




19 And Pixie was overjoyed and did shower Mom with Riesling and noms, and Mom did enjoy it.
20 And Pixie played hooky from work the next morning and went to breakfast at Racine's with Mom, and then did take her to the airport, 
21 And did promise to fly Mom back to Denver for a week where she would not be working constantly
22 Nor building a closet.
23 Maybe a kitchen next time.
24 Here endeth the Book of Closet; long may the Mom kick ass.

Political Correctness Moment with Mom and Pixie

[Pixie and Mom are in the bathroom talking and getting ready to go out gallivanting. Pixie is getting dressed while Mom is drying off from being in the shower.]

Mom: So, I told El Seebeno that we can't frame the roof from the--[looks down at upper thigh] Uh oh.

Pixie: What?
Mom: Well, when did that happen? The last time I was outside was the day before I flew out here...

Pixie: What? What is it? [looks at red mark on Mom's thigh] Ouch! What the hell, Mom?

Mom: It's a bug bite.

Pixie: What, in March?

Mom: Well, it's been warm lately, you know.

Pixie: Is it a mosquito bite?

Mom: No, chigger.

Pixie: I think they prefer to be called Insect-Americans, Mom.

The Gnostic Gospels: The Book of Closet, Chapter 3

1 And Mom and Pixie beheld the instructions for assembling the closet system, and did realize that they needed more supports in the closet.

2 So they went to the Land of DIY and rendered unto Home Depot what was Home Depot's, and came home with more 1x4s.

3 And it was Saturday, the third day of work, but they could only paint because of the condo's rules.

4 And the weather was unseasonably warm and sunny for Denver in March, so Mom did let the kittehs out onto the balcony for some outside time.

5 And Mom did wuv her grandkittehs.

6 So Mom and Pixie did clothe themselves in Kimberly-Clark bunny suits, which Pixie had purloined from a surgery suite that she did tour,

7 And they sent about painting with the metallic light blue Martha Stewart paint and the medium blue primer which Pixie had also acquired from Home Depot.

8 And they did paint with roller and small roller and brush.

9 Mom saith unto Pixie, "Doth thy Guy not have a roller extender for the roller brush, so we do not have to climb up and down the wee stepladder?'

10 And Pixie saith that she did not think so, although to be fair she hath no idea what Guy had stored on the back balcony.

11 And they painted the primer on, and they saith, "Wow, this shit is darker than it looks!"

12 And they painted on the first layer of metallic light blue Martha Stewart paint and saith, "Uh-oh, this looks blotchy."

13 Pixie worried that there would not be enough paint to do a second good coat, but Mom spake unto her and saith:

14 "Pixie, thou worriest too much--we shall put a second coat on the bedroom, and the closet shall have to fend for itself, for you shall be covering it in clothing on thy closet system, shall thee not?"

15 And Pixie realized Mom was right.

16 And Mom patched another hole in the closet, and did have to let the spackle dry before she could paint it.

17 And the bedroom wall bothered Pixie, but Mom did say, "Relax, and let us go to Lime and have another margarita or two, and we shall deal with this in the a.m."

18 And Mom, as usual, was right.

19 And the sun rose, and the sun set on the third day.

20 And on the fourth day, Mom and Pixie arose and had brunch, and then journeyed to the land of the Denver Art Museum and saw the Yves Saint Laurent retrospective.

21 And they returned home and finished the second coat of paint,

22 And they had enough for both the wall and the closet.

23 And they breathed a sigh of relief and removed the plastic from the bed.

24 But there would be much work to be done to remove the drywall dust from the furniture.

25 So they opened all the windows in the HKH and went for a walk, and on that walk they did buy a bottle of Riesling and an onion and made Chicken Curry that night.

26 And the sun rose, and the sun set on the fourth day.

Breaking floral news

For the first time in my 11+ years in Denver, we have a gardenia...

with a blossom.

The Gnostic Gospels: The Book of Closet, Chapter 2: 17-28

17 And Pixie had to go to work again, and leave Mom all alone at the HKH.

18 For the rules of Pixie's condo building are strict, that no loud construction work shall take place unless it is between 8:30 am and 4:30 pm on weekdays only.

19 And Mom did cry havoc and let slip the dogs of construction, for she had to attach 1x4s to the walls of Pixie's closet,

20 For Pixie's condo walls are made of some bizarre concrete/plaster mixture, and they would not be able to attach the closet system directly to the wall, but could only do so through furring strips.

21 So Mom did gather her Liquid Nails and masonry screws unto her, and did set about the task.

22 And kittehs did hide from all the noise.

23 And when Pixie returned, she asked of her Mom, "What are the large screws there, in the white painted existing 1x4 upon the wall?"

24 And mom saith unto her, "Behold, for thy Mom notices uneven walls and DIY bullshittery, and used heavy-duty screws and anchors to bring the existing 1x4 against the wall, to ensure that the closet shall hold the weight of thy clothes."

25 And Pixie and Mom did behold the mess in the floor.

26 And Mom did say, "Lo, but I am in need of a margarita or three, for I am beat like a rented mule."

27 And Pixie did take Mom to Benny's for such libations, and they did talk loudly, for Pixie was taking the next day off of work to go to the spa with Mom.

28 And the sun rose, and the sun set on the second day.

The Gnostic Gospels: The Book of Closet, Chapter 2: 1-16

1 On the first day, Pixie arose early and went to a presentation and then to work.

2 And when she returned, she found that Mom had cleaned her kitchen and her microwave, which Pixie never did clean.

3 And she found that Mom did also manage to remove the shelves from the closet, which Pixie could not do.

4 And Pixie asked unto her Mom how did she manage this,

5 And Mom did reply, "With a 9-inch prybar and an X-Acto knife, to cut the layers of gooey paint that did hold the shelves in place.

6 "Wouldst that thou had a proper prybar in this house, Pixie."

7 And Pixie was embarrassed, for just as the cobbler's children have no shoes, the architect's house has few proper construction tools.

8 And Pixie did look up at the closet ceiling and see spackle, and did look bemused.

9 And Mom replied, "Thou hast peeling paint upon thy closet, and I did sand it and spackle it, so that the painting will be easier."

10 And I did sand the walls of this room, and I did sand the sound wall in the bedroom

11 "And did find weird things under the bed when I moved it so I could reach the wall.

12 "Sorry about that."

13 And Mom did put down plastic on the closet floor, and newspaper at the floor along the bedroom wall.

14 And there was much drywall dust. upon the floor and any furnishings that did get in the way, for that is the way of drywall dust.

15 And Mom and Pixie did have a dinner of chicken tortilla soup and Tostitos Scoops.

16 And the sun rose, and the sun set on the first day.

The Gnostic Gospels: The Book of Closet, Chapter 1

1 Here begins the Book of Closet.

2 And it came to pass that The Pixie did look upon her closet, and did decide that it was a disaster.

3 And Pixie saith, "Lo, for I only have two shelves and two rods, and my elegant Mom-made clothing is but clumped together, and I cannot tell vintage dress from Ann Taylor pantsuit in this tragic room."

4 And Pixie went unto Guy and saith, "Guy, thou must help me redo my fucked-up closet, which is not befitting a style maven such as myself.

5 "Let us go into the land of The Container Store, and purchase for me a very fancy closet system, and repaint my closet, and install the very fancy closet system, and then stand back and admire this, my new closet."

6 But Guy replied, "Lo, but The Container Store is a goddamn ripoff, and is way too much to spend on a closet system. Let us render unto the Container Store what is the Container Store's and let us render unto Home Depot what is Home Depot's."

7 And Guy did find online a wonderful deal on two Rubbermaid closet systems that would fit in Pixie's closet.

8 And they were delivered unto Pixie...in 2008.

9 And they leaned against a wall in the closet of the Happy Kitten Highrise.

10 And they sat.

11 And they sat.

12 And they sat for three years, until Guy hath had a buttful of this nonsense, and he spake unto Pixie and saith:

13 "Pixie, I am but going out of town to my project on the east cost for two weeks straight."

14 "Why not but fly thy Mom out to help thee install thy closet system, and paint thy closet, for it has been three years?"

15 And Pixie leapt up from her chaise, throwing a kitteh into the floor, and cried, "Yea, and I shall paint the sound wall in our bedroom as well, for it has been four years since thou built the fucking sound wall, and it still looks like patched drywall."

16 And there was much profanity in the HKH.

17 And Guy left for the east coast.

18 And Pixie began to move the clothing out of her closet and into the living room, and soon it was empty.

19 And Pixie suddenly realized what a clotheshorse she was.

20 For there were two long racks of clothing plus more laid on the sofa behind one of the racks.




21 And there were more canvas cubbies on the chaise, which kept the kittehs from snuggling on the chaise.

22 And the kittehs were angry, and did poop in the floor.

23 But they did not poop in the three baskets of shoes, which Pixie did hide in the bedroom.

24 And late on a Tuesday night, Mom did fly in from Georgia,

25 and boy were her arms tired.

26 Hyuk hyuk hyuk.

27 And Mom looked upon the living room full of clothes and the empty closet, and did facepalm,

28 For she knew she had her work cut out for her.

29 And Pixie saith, "Oh Mom, Wilderness Gina, daughter of Great Helen, daughter of the Almighty Sophie, thou come from a long line of tough and badass Polish women, canst thou help me finish my closet once and for all?"

30 And Mom said, "Fuck yeah."