The Gnostic Gospels: The Book of Closet, Chapter 1

1 Here begins the Book of Closet.

2 And it came to pass that The Pixie did look upon her closet, and did decide that it was a disaster.

3 And Pixie saith, "Lo, for I only have two shelves and two rods, and my elegant Mom-made clothing is but clumped together, and I cannot tell vintage dress from Ann Taylor pantsuit in this tragic room."

4 And Pixie went unto Guy and saith, "Guy, thou must help me redo my fucked-up closet, which is not befitting a style maven such as myself.

5 "Let us go into the land of The Container Store, and purchase for me a very fancy closet system, and repaint my closet, and install the very fancy closet system, and then stand back and admire this, my new closet."

6 But Guy replied, "Lo, but The Container Store is a goddamn ripoff, and is way too much to spend on a closet system. Let us render unto the Container Store what is the Container Store's and let us render unto Home Depot what is Home Depot's."

7 And Guy did find online a wonderful deal on two Rubbermaid closet systems that would fit in Pixie's closet.

8 And they were delivered unto Pixie...in 2008.

9 And they leaned against a wall in the closet of the Happy Kitten Highrise.

10 And they sat.

11 And they sat.

12 And they sat for three years, until Guy hath had a buttful of this nonsense, and he spake unto Pixie and saith:

13 "Pixie, I am but going out of town to my project on the east cost for two weeks straight."

14 "Why not but fly thy Mom out to help thee install thy closet system, and paint thy closet, for it has been three years?"

15 And Pixie leapt up from her chaise, throwing a kitteh into the floor, and cried, "Yea, and I shall paint the sound wall in our bedroom as well, for it has been four years since thou built the fucking sound wall, and it still looks like patched drywall."

16 And there was much profanity in the HKH.

17 And Guy left for the east coast.

18 And Pixie began to move the clothing out of her closet and into the living room, and soon it was empty.

19 And Pixie suddenly realized what a clotheshorse she was.

20 For there were two long racks of clothing plus more laid on the sofa behind one of the racks.




21 And there were more canvas cubbies on the chaise, which kept the kittehs from snuggling on the chaise.

22 And the kittehs were angry, and did poop in the floor.

23 But they did not poop in the three baskets of shoes, which Pixie did hide in the bedroom.

24 And late on a Tuesday night, Mom did fly in from Georgia,

25 and boy were her arms tired.

26 Hyuk hyuk hyuk.

27 And Mom looked upon the living room full of clothes and the empty closet, and did facepalm,

28 For she knew she had her work cut out for her.

29 And Pixie saith, "Oh Mom, Wilderness Gina, daughter of Great Helen, daughter of the Almighty Sophie, thou come from a long line of tough and badass Polish women, canst thou help me finish my closet once and for all?"

30 And Mom said, "Fuck yeah."